New Day, New Age

Finally my Birthday is over! It seems weird that I am happy it is but, ever since I was 16 I feel dread when it rolls around. See, I was looking forward to the typical sweet 16. I woke up excited and determined to not let anyone or anything ruin this day.

My sister had had the flu for about a week now. Normally when you get the flu after about 5 days you start to feel it break. But, after 7 days my sister was getting worse.

The morning of my sweet 16 my parents went in her room to check on her. Her temp was 104, she was delusional and, couldn't even stand up without toppling over. My parents called her doctor (the same one that told her 4 days prior that she had the flu) who told them to bring her in immediately.

I stayed home with my younger brother waiting for my parents to bring her home with some prescriptions and put her back to bed. Two hours later I received a call from a hysterical women. I didn't even recognize that it was my mother as she couldn't even get a word out.

My dad must have grabbed the phone from her because I heard her crying and screaming fade. My dad told me that an ambulance was called to the doctors office to take my sister to the ER. He then told me that the doctors thought she had toxic shock syndrome (TSS). This is not a condition I have ever heard of but every word in the name scared me.

My dad said that my sister was put into a drug induced comma and rolled up to the intensive care unit. He said he would be home soon to pick my brother and I up to bring us to the hospital.

I was angry. This was my day not hers. Couldn't she have waited one day? My sister and I were always close. When we were younger she would follow me around like a little puppy. She is my best friend and that's what I should have kept in my mind at the time, not my stupid Birthday.

I didn't realize how serious it was until we made it to the hospital. She was hooked up to what seemed like every machine in the hospital. She was sleeping and unaware of her surroundings, she would have been so scared if she knew.

My mom was crying in a chair beside my sisters bed, though not hysterically anymore. Nurses were tweaking iv's and recording numbers. There were so many monitors and cords that lead to her.

I asked if my sister would be ok expecting to hear yes. Instead they told me the truth, that they don't see this a lot and it can be fatal. If my parents had waited one more hour to bring her in then she would have died.

Now, I was crying harder than I ever had before. Fuck my birthday my sister may die. I spent the whole day crying outside of her room.

My sister had her period about a week ago and has always preferred tampons over pads. She would sleep with them in but wake up ever three hours to change it. My sister is always so clean and organized that we knew she didn't leave it in over the recommended length of time you are supposed to keep a tampon in.

The first thing the doctor looked for was any cuts or openings on her skin which he didn't find. Instead he found two small to puncture holes on her leg that looked like bug bites, somehow she got a staph infection which triggered the TSS.

That was a tough week in the intensive care unit. The day after my sister was admitted, three people from an automobile accident came in. There was an elderly couple that attended one car and a father with his thirteen year old son in another. The boy resided in the room next to my sisters.

His birthday was the same day as the accident. His parents were divorced and his father was driving him to his party at his mothers house. Apparently, his dad was drinking at the wheel when he nodded off crossing the center line and crashing his Camaro head on with another car.

The elderly couple lost one member on the scene, the woman. The man was unconscious as were the father and his son. They were all immediately transported to the local hospital. When tested for brain activity all of them failed.

The night that the mother decided to take her thirteen year old son off life support I was the only one staying with my sister. I held her hand all night, wiping tears from her eyes that were caused by the 26 liters of fluid they had flushed through her body.

It was the most painful cry I had ever heard, one that will stick with me forever as I could never imagine losing a child especially in the way she did. I cried with her all night, she didn't know it because we were separated by a wall but I did.

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Birthday

Today I woke up one year older, 22. A Birthday is supposed to make you feel special and, excited. I feel neither. Last year at this time I was celebrating my 21st Birthday with a kegger. This year I am celebrating alone in my room with a 6 pack (that I am not supposed to be consuming because I goto rehab on the 31st) reflecting on the past year and all of nothing that I have accomplished.
Treatment will be good for me, as I have been drinking a 12 pack a day for the last two years. I guess I drink because I don't want to feel sad. Being drunk is a short fix but it works so much better than my Paxil.
I have been suffering from depression since I was very young. I was put on medication when I was 14 and have been to probably every shrink in the area. I never kept up with my therapy maybe because then I wasn't ready for help.
Now that I am getting older but, not maturing I realize this isn't who I want to be anymore. I am proud of myself for making the decision to change the rest of my life but, I am also hesitant. I am scared I won't like who I really am.
I havn't been happy in a long time but always longed for it. Now that my chance is nearing, I feel like quitting like I always do. I know one thing though, I do need to quit drinking. We will see what happens.

Cheers,
Birthday Girl